AN OPEN LETTER TO JACK BAUER

Jack! You're back! Fuck yeah!

Dude, when I got that office memo warning you'd be spraying down automatic gunfire near my workplace, I was so damn jazzed I almost wet my pants!

Do you know how many office memos I get warning me about automatic weapons? Not nearly enough, Jack!

I spent every break I had standing outside looking for you, Jack. I couldn't see much because a bunch of godless liberal Hollywood homosexual pagans had parked an armada of film crew trucks in my line of sight. But I listened, baby, and when I heard that nasty chatter of auto-fire, I pumped both fists in the air!

Hell yes, Jack's back, beeyotches!

I couldn't see who was doing the shooting -- was that you, Jack? Aw, hell no it was not. You're such a good shot, you can pick 'em off with a handgun. Hell, you don't even need that, do ya? You always bring a knife to the fight, baby. Sheeyit, you even use your teeth to chomp down on carotid arteries! You don't need auto-fire -- but those muthafuckin' Islamofascists sure do! Man, I cannot wait to see that shit go down on my TV. I just know you're gonna duck and roll between the bullets and slam yourself up against a steel beam that sparks with near-misses. And your grim expression is never gonna change, Jack, because you are just that bad-ass.

That's what I wanna talk to you about: how bad-ass you are. You make everything look so easy, Jack, and that's why we watch you. In your terror-filled neo-con wet-dream world, you can torture suspects for useful information and totally avoid prosecution! Your girl Chloe can crack encrypted computer files in eight minutes flat! Hell, you can drive across LA in less time than that. I mean, holy fucking cow! We can't do any of that shit here in our world, and boy does it suck!

When those evil-ass villains attack America, you take 'em on and wrap that shit up in just 24 hours! How the fuck do you do that, Jack? I mean, we've been in Iraq longer than we fought World War II and there's no goddamned end in sight!

Help us out, Jack! Let us send you to Iraq for 24 hours so we can clean up that mess and be done with it! You'd love it over there! It's a lawless land where anything goes. You could commandeer a Fox News helicopter and fly around the desert screaming your favorite lines like "There's no time!" and "It's our only option!" and "Who are you working for?!?" (Although you might not like the answers you get to that one, especially if you're talking to Halliburton employees.)

You could even take Chloe -- damn, she'd look so hot in some desert camo!

Then in the final hours of that day, you'd take down the lying dumb-ass President who started the whole disaster. And of course there'd be a cliffhanger where you discovered the real bad guy was the vice-president ... but before Chloe could hack into his pacemaker he'd shoot you in the face with a hunting rifle! And we'd crash to black as the credits rolled.

I know that'll never happen, Jack, but a man can dream.

I'm not gay, Jack Bauer. But dude, I fucking love you. You make fascism fun.