I'm a free speech freak. I back the hell out of anybody who wants to say anything. My motives are not so much patriotic as they are purely selfish, because free speech lets me make fun of people.
Few things this week were funnier than the Tea Parties sponsored by Fox News. I'm actually pretty glad so many right-wingers are becoming reacquainted with the First Amendment. Most of them can only recite the Second Amendment, right? There are many other fine amendments I hope they take time to read one day.
I wish the Teabaggers wouldn't take the nation's ridiculing of them so seriously. Then again, these people just have no sense of humor. Remember that they nominated Sarah Palin with a straight face.
The Tea Party idea was a big ol' jug of sun-brewed stupid. Here are but a few reasons why:
1. Um, you didn't, like, make a clear , uh ... statement. Look at photos from these rallies. The damned signs are all over the place. I wish I'd known this was a protest for everything because I woulda been out there ranting against that new Burger King /Spongebob commerical. That thing scares the holy hell outta me.
Some of you were protesting against taxes, which at least sorta ties into the idea of the original Boston Tea Party, so you get points for that. But, um, did you notice that Obama is cutting taxes for most people making less than $250K a year?
Other protesters were clearly against spending of all sorts. So how many Tea Parties did you organize between the years of 2001 and 2008, when George Bush and a predominantly Republican Congress rang up the biggest deficit in history? When Vice President Dick Cheney declared that "Deficits don't matter," when confronted by Paul O'Neill, former Secretary of the Treasury? C'mon, let's see some hands.
Okay, I see very few hands here. Wait, you're the Ron Paul supporters? Okay, you folks are cool because you've been protesting spending all along. You are the folks I wanna hear from down the road when we start cutting after the economy has kicked back in. But for the rest of you, one simple question: what the fuck? You were totally fucking silent when the Bush administration borrowed massive amounts of money for an unnecessary war and tax cuts for the rich. But now when we have to borrow money to help the economy through the rough waters caused by the policies you once supported, that's when you start bellowing?
Now, some of your protesters were just plain fucking stupid, like this welfare queen decrying the very tax dollars that allow her to be a lazy overfed pig. There are several other winners in that story and undoubtedly plenty more like them around the country. I know all political factions have their freaks. But yours are really, really stupid, especially when you confuse a democratic election with fascism or the Nazi Party.
2. You didn't get much of a turnout. Tens of thousands of people is nothing to sniff at? Well, yes it is. And we took our millions to the polls and elected a man to do precisely the things you're now protesting. That's fascism? That's America and we're glad it's back.
3. Your actions directly contradict your cause. You held your protests on public property which is funded, of course, by tax dollars. If you look at the costs of post-protest clean-up and police presence, you actually caused an increase in the tax-funded spending you say you're against. That's like starting a war to protest wars. Stoopid!
4. Your grassroots smell funny. Maybe these tea parties at one time had a true grassroots energy to them -- they certainly did when Ron Paul supporters held them. But this week's events were openly planted and fertilized and watered by FreedomWorks (run by insurance industry bailout lobbyist Dick Armey) and Fox News, the propaganda arm of the GOP. And they're very, very proud of you.
5. You named your movement after a freaky sex act where someone drags their ballsack across you. Contrary to what Ann Coulter says, it's not just for homosexuals, though it is a man-only thing (which means Ann can probably do it). You didn't know that? That's what you get for being conservative. Next time maybe you can call yourselves the Blumpkin Brigade or the Lemon Party.
Go Google those terms. While you're at it, check out those other amendments.
And welcome back to America. Based on what most of you supported over the last eight years, I honestly thought you'd forgotten what the hell it stood for.